Alex's I Matter Learning Journey
Alex (not her real name) is a parent and a professional. Here she shares her experience of using I Matter and relationship heatlth principles in a full variety of roles.
Walking in the dark: one family’s I Matter journey
Alex (not her real name) is a mother of two boys. About four years ago, when one of her sons was finding life hard and the whole family was stressed, his school introduced them to I Matter, and I’ve been alongside her on the journey since. Here she talks about what changed at home, and how she has carried the ideas into her relationship with her own parents and into her work.
Alex’s story shows how the ideas can spread from one relationship into many. The online learning she used is open to anyone.
Before I Matter: a very foggy situation
Cathy: So, I’m sitting here with Alex, and Alex has agreed to tell me about her I Matter learning journey. And it’s exciting, Alex, that you’ve said you would speak, because you started quite a long time ago, didn’t you? I wondered if you might start off by sharing a little bit about your situation then and what you were concerned about when you came forward looking for help.
Alex: So, I started with I Matter about four years ago, or maybe slightly longer, and my main concern was that my son was a bit challenging in a way that we could not manage. Or actually, we could not understand what was going on, so everybody was stressed. He was stressed. We felt that he was not happy. We were stressed at home: me, my husband and my other boy. We were all a bit stretched. Things were out of control. At certain points, my work was affected. Our family life, our relationships, our home life was not how I would want it to be. It was initially through school. School introduced me to I Matter, and here we go. We started our journey with I Matter.
Cathy: So what had you tried before you came across I Matter?
Alex: So we tried at home. We thought my son is a bit challenging, so we can try the usual stuff, like talking with him, putting consequences in, reasoning. Things like that. We spoke to school a few times. We sought help from Barnardo’s as well. But we didn’t feel that any of these approaches actually addressed the real issue, or understood the real issue, because we didn’t know what was going on. We thought it’s just a challenging child and things will sort themselves out at some point. We didn’t understand exactly what was going on. We didn’t understand that we were getting so stressed that we couldn’t even manage, so we were not acknowledging our own stress as adults. So it was a very foggy situation back then. And we were lucky, actually, that school introduced us to I Matter, so things got a bit clearer, step by step, and we could get somewhere in the end.
A different approach: I matter too
Cathy: Yeah. What were your first experiences of the training?
Alex: It was different. My first impression is it is different because it looks at the family as a whole, and it looks at me as a mother: that I’m somebody who is as important as the focus child. So I am important. I matter. So I have to look after myself. I have to acknowledge my own anxieties, my own feelings, frustrations. I have to understand that, and I have to acknowledge that, and be able to learn how to address those things before I try to address somebody else’s problems. So that’s the difference between I Matter and everything else, because it looks at the relationship as a whole, the home as a whole: me, my husband, my other son and my focus child. So that was the striking bit about I Matter.
What’s changed for us
Cathy: Yeah. So what changes have you seen? We’re now several years later. There have been stages, haven’t there? But several years later, what changes have you seen?
Alex: Well, first of all, we do understand ourselves a bit better. We do forgive ourselves for being frustrated, angry or helpless sometimes. So we do acknowledge that. We do understand that these things can happen, and it is acceptable that they happen. It’s just how to address them. So one thing, we acknowledge our feelings. We acknowledge our frustrations and our limitations. The second thing is we have a strategy to deal with these things. Before, we didn’t know what to do. Everybody was so stressed, and it was quite foggy, so we didn’t know where to go. So we were banging into each other. It’s like walking in the dark. Everybody’s walking in the dark, so we’re banging into each other. So this is the main difference. This is the main change: that we can see that there’s something wrong going on, and we have to acknowledge that first, and then think of a strategy.
“Everybody’s walking in the dark, so we’re banging into each other.”
Alex
My son’s confidence
Cathy: Okay. And what changes have you seen in your son?
Alex: Well, my son is challenging still, but there are a few things. His confidence has grown, in himself and in me as well. So our relationship has improved. Before, if he was going through a difficult time, he wouldn’t know how to express himself. He wouldn’t even know that he was going through a difficult time. He would be just grumpy and angry.
Cathy: Physical sometimes?
Alex: With his brother and all. So now he can tell me, “I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m sad, I need to be on my own.” So he can actually verbalise; he can say how he feels. The second thing, he can trust me. So he would speak to me about things that he’s worried about, things he’s not sure about, and he can discuss anything. Really, anything. He can come to me with anything at all. So confidence in himself and in me has improved. Our relationship is a lot better. We go through difficult times. Sometimes it’s not a walk in the park at all. You get those bumps in the road. But I think because we have a good relationship, we are able to manage.
Cathy: Okay. Yeah, that feels very different.
Alex: Very different. Of course it is. It’s not as scary as it was. Before, I was always worried that he might be going through a very difficult time, or he might have very, very challenging feelings or things like that, and he’s not saying anything about it, because he used to shut down. He wouldn’t talk. Sometimes he still does that, but then he opens up. So I’m not as scared as I was before. I’m confident that he will come to me and he will speak to me and we will think of something. It was quite scary, because sometimes I didn’t know what he was going through.
Green to red and back to green
Cathy: So when you went through the training, we used a lot of posters and ideas. Were there any that particularly stood out for you, as moments where the light bulbs happened?
Alex: I always remember the green, to red, and then green again. And it’s always a cycle. So it’s how to find your way back to green. It’s okay. We always go to red. It’s fine. It’s a human thing. But it’s how to find your way back to green.
[In I Matter, green and red are shorthand for when things are going well and when we are stressed or struggling. As Alex says, going into red is human; what matters is finding the way back to green.]
Cathy: Yeah.
Alex: So that’s one thing that I always, always remember.
Cathy: Yeah, and it sounds like you’ve really established that now with your son, that he understands that too. So it’s all right to have some red moments.
Alex: I think so, yeah.
Cathy: So what does the term I Matter mean to you?
Alex: It means that it’s not about solving one problem and everything will be easy. Relationships are a complicated thing; however, they are a blessing. So if there is one problem, we have to address everything else that’s going on around it. For example, if you have a challenging child, there are so many other things going on around them: relationships between that child and the parents, or other siblings, at school. All of these things are connected. You cannot just sit down with a child and try to sort him out. This is the difference between I Matter and everything else. Because it looks at the whole family, everybody’s involved as a whole, not just one individual who’s having a difficult time. It’s a relationship programme rather than… I want to say that it’s a programme that addresses the relationships rather than individuals, which is amazing.
Beyond the family: my parents and work
Cathy: Yeah. And the last time we spoke, we hadn’t spoken for quite a while, and you said that you’d actually started to transfer some of the ideas you’ve been using with your son to other relationships in your wider family. I don’t know if you’d like to share a little bit about that, with your own parents.
Alex: Yeah, that’s right. So I had quite a challenging childhood. My parents were not the easiest. But as I went through the programme, I think I’ve grown up. So I’m now at peace with so many things that I was quite angry about. I’ve got a better relationship with my mum, especially. I’m not so angry as I was, and I don’t have many expectations of them now. I just let go, to be honest, of the things that were upsetting me and the difficult times. Yeah, I’ve let go. I feel a lot lighter now.
Cathy: And you described having a situation where you couldn’t talk at all, and now you’re talking quite a lot, and enjoying talking, through the work that you’ve done. And it really hasn’t been anything about what your mum has done. It’s been about what you’ve been doing, which I think is very beautiful.
Alex: It has. It has made a huge difference. And it’s not just with my parents. It’s also affected me at work and how I look at things now. I’ve always been an anxious person, a very anxious person. I get stressed, I get anxious, and I get frustrated. I used to feel bad about this. I used to feel guilty about this. But now I do understand it. So it’s, again, what I learned from I Matter: it’s not denying yourself those feelings. It’s how to deal with them rather than suppressing them.
Give it a go
Cathy: So what would you like to say to others who are thinking about taking part?
Alex: I would say definitely give it a go. It’s not the easiest journey, and it’s not the most straightforward thing. Relationships are complicated, but they are the most precious thing. So if you have a good relationship with your family members, especially your children, your partner, I think that’s a big win in life. So it’s worth every minute, and it’s worth your effort. It’s worth trying hard, definitely.
Cathy: And with that, you can ride a lot of the challenges that are there. Once you have the relationship, the other stuff kind of falls into place.
Alex: Yep, I think so.
Cathy: Well, thank you very much for sharing. It’s going to be really helpful to others to hear your journey. So thank you so much.
Alex: You’re very welcome. Thank you, Cathy, for helping me all the way through.
Cathy: Okay, that’s beautiful.
If Alex’s experience rings true for you, find out more on our What is relationship health? page, or start with one of our free introductions.
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