The following interview shares the experience of a grandmother who was determined to find a way to help her grandson. The interview describes her I Matter journey and the impact of the training on her and her grandson and wider family.
I Matter is My Briefcase of Gold - A Grandmothers' Journey
Michelle is Paul’s paternal grandmother, and she has been kinship foster carer to him and his older brother since 2016. Paul has complex needs, and when the help he needed wasn’t there, he spent time in a therapeutic placement. Michelle did her I Matter learning online, much of it on long train journeys to visit him. I spoke to her in June 2020, after lockdown brought Paul home, where the plan now is for him to stay.
This interview is from 2020. The online learning Michelle used is open to anyone.
Michelle and Paul are not their real names.
When the help wasn’t there
Cathy: So I’m sitting here with Michelle on a Zoom session, and she’s agreed to talk with me about her I Matter journey with her grandson, Paul. Michelle, do you want to start off by saying a little bit about yourself and your role?
Michelle: I’m Paul’s paternal grandmother, and I became his kinship foster carer back in 2016, along with his older brother, to come to live with me permanently.
Cathy: And how was it that you came to the I Matter project?
Michelle: Both children have had lots of previous trauma growing up. It got to the point that Paul needed a lot more help. I sought as much help as I could get, but it ended up breaking down with the lack of resources available to him. With no immediate help, social services, his corporate parent, decided to send him to a therapeutic residential centre. The plan was that he’d stay there for two years. At home it was unbearable in the end for everybody, and I became really stressed out with it all. So I got involved with I Matter, the training for understanding children with complex needs and how the brain works. At first I didn’t know if I could actually do it. But once I started the journey, it so reflected the life that we’d been having. So I just wanted more.
Cathy: Just to paint a picture: what was happening when Paul needed to go into care?
Michelle: Paul had an EHCP, 30 hours a week, so he had a one-to-one adult with him at school. He’s got learning disabilities and a diagnosis of ADHD. He was eight. He did start with a psychiatrist, one hour a week, and it was going very well. Then after nine sessions she retired, and he was never given anybody else. So it started to break down. Behaviour at home was very violent. He’d smash every single thing in his bedroom. He was spiteful to the animals. He just wanted to hurt everybody and everything. He was very angry inside.
And knowing now from doing the course, I wasn’t in a good place myself. I was so stressed out because I wasn’t getting help from anywhere. I’m a single carer, and the support wasn’t there. It should have been, but it wasn’t. You’re crying for help, and me being more stressed didn’t help Paul. He reflected it in his behaviour back on me.
Cathy: You’d stepped in to help your grandchildren, and you didn’t anticipate quite how complicated it was going to be. And then when you were looking for help, it didn’t feel like the help was there.
Michelle: No, definitely. I always had my grandchildren for weekends, but doing fun activities wasn’t anything like this. To have them every day, in normal routines, was like having different children. Everything I tried, even though I thought I was doing right, didn’t help him, because I was stressed out. At the time I didn’t realise this, until I learned how the brain develops and works.
“If I’d have known”
Michelle: Doing the course brought me to tears quite a lot of times. Sometimes I’d be sitting there crying my eyes out, thinking, wow, if I’d have known. My reactions could have made such a big difference. I kept blaming myself. But getting no help, you are going to be stressed out. If you wake up in a really horrible mood yourself, you can’t respond to the children and pretend that you’re all happy inside, because you’re not. Whatever response you get back from that person is a reflection of how you come across to them.
Just the other day, something had happened, nothing to do with the children, and the older boy said something to me, and he went, “Nan, why are you talking to me like that?” And I was like, you know what, he’s right. I went back to him and said, “I’m sorry, it’s got nothing to do with you. Something’s just really upset me.” I Matter to me is like a briefcase. And it’s full of everything that I need to keep this family. It won’t always be 100%, but going from the red to the green and the green back to the red, it’s made things so much easier.
“I Matter to me is like a briefcase. And it’s full of everything that I need to keep this family.”
Michelle
Crying on the train
Cathy: Let me bring you back a bit. I remember we started trying to make contact before Christmas, and it was really difficult, because you were based very far away. And you weren’t very keen, were you?
Michelle: I wasn’t at first. I was like, oh my God, I’ve done lots of courses. I didn’t know if I was equipped to take this in. But the way it’s presented online, when you have to answer questions and reflect, it’s a reflection of your whole life.
Cathy: My memory of it was that you had a long train journey, and you said, all right, I’ll just have to do it. And you contacted me at the end of that train journey, crying. Do you remember that? You were very upset.
Michelle: I was coming up north to see Paul. It’s four hours to get there and another four hours to come back. So I thought, right, I’ve got my iPad, I’ve got my earphones on, let me have a look at this training. And when I got to the end of the journey, I was literally sitting on the train at the table, and people were looking at me, and I was crying my eyeballs out. When I got off and met the worker that was taking me to see Paul, she said, “You OK?” And I said, “I’ve been doing that coursework, and it’s really reflected on stuff.” I just felt like I’d failed as a parent. And after that, I couldn’t wait to get back into it.
Once I got into it, I’d have a good two, three or four hours doing it. And now it’s like my little briefcase of gold, because it’s in my head, and I just reflect on it. Sometimes I do have a blip, and I think, oh, my voice went a little bit higher. But then I’ve gone back and said, “Look, I didn’t mean to speak louder then.”
Cathy: Normally I would try to have more face-to-face contact, and it just wasn’t possible. I could see it was quite a challenging course for you. But then something clicked for you, didn’t it? What was, do you think, the biggest light bulb for you?
The biggest light bulb: how the brain works
Michelle: Every time you get to the end of a little section, it asks, what do you want to learn more about? And I kept saying, I want to learn more about the brain, and how that child is thinking. As it got deeper, there were all them little hints, all the little ideas about how you can get back to green. You think, oh, come on, you’re a parent, you should know all that. But you don’t, because you’re only thinking it from your view. I didn’t think for one minute, OK, they’ve been through trauma. I didn’t think for one minute about the brain development.
I said to one of my children’s boxing coaches, who’d stopped him going to the class, you keep looking at him thinking he’s 16, but mentally, in his brain, he’s not capable of doing all those things a normal 16-year-old would do. Not as an excuse. In your job, you’re going to come across a lot of children with complex needs. And he said, yeah, I’d be glad to learn stuff like that.
Cathy: Now you want to pass it on to others.
Michelle: Yeah. I think it’s made me more confident. The other day he had a little paddy, and I thought, here we go, it’s going to be a big paddy, and it was literally two minutes. Everyone keeps commenting: you’ve made some changes.
Cathy: What was your favourite poster, in those first stages? What clicked for you?
Michelle: Oh, Cathy, there’s so many of them. Further on it was the brain one, with the filing cabinet and the secretary, and the boss was out for lunch. Earlier on, I liked the ones from the red to green, with all the little people. On one side, you’re not feeling in a good place, and on the other side, you are. It was never just showing you one or the other. It showed you this is this, and this is what it could be.
Cathy: It sounds like you recognise what red looked like, and you’ve got clarity about what green could look like. That’s what I observed: you made a very definite decision. I want there to be more green in our house. And you made the changes. That’s what it’s about: the adults making those changes so that green becomes possible.
Lockdown: Paul comes home
Cathy: He was going to come back for a visit, wasn’t he? And then lockdown happened?
Michelle: Paul had just had a week with us, and he wasn’t due back until Easter. Then lockdown came, and the principal from the centre said, I think Paul should come home, because if we can’t see each other, that’s going to be one big gap. So I went and collected him on the 20th of March. I was a bit anxious, with three children in the house and my work furloughed. But in all honesty, out of the three children, he’s handled it the best. I’ve had stress with other professionals, but not with the children.
Cathy: You’ve been able to move into a very different home experience. And in the end, he hasn’t gone back.
Michelle: No, he’s not gone back. They’ve decided, because it’s going so well, he may just stay now. I think this has done us the world of good. Even the bond with his brother: there was a lot of conflict there for a long, long time. But now Paul looks up to his brother. They can sit and play nicely together, when before they couldn’t be in the room together.
“Nanny’s buttons don’t work like they used to”
Michelle: Paul’s grown up more. When he gets frustrated, he manages things. He’s not taking it out in tempers and ripping things up. It’s more like he gets tearful. Before, I’d be demanding that he either goes to his room or comes out of his room. I’d sanction things from him. Now, if he goes to his room and says, “Leave me alone,” I say, “OK, when you’re ready, come back downstairs.” And he’ll come down in 10, 15 minutes. He’s recognising when something’s gone wrong, and without me even asking, he’s coming to me and apologising.
Cathy: You’re handling things very differently. You’ve got that process going, that green to red and back to green again. And that has created a sort of safety. He knows it’s going to be all right.
Michelle: Later on, we reflect, and most of the time he’s coming out with it himself: oh, I could have done this, or I could have done that. I’m like, wow, has he done the I Matter course? Because it seems like he has.
Something quite drastic happened in my family recently, not to do with him, and I didn’t get stressed over it. My sister was like, “You must be really stressed out.” And I was like, no, I feel very calm, and I feel confident to be able to handle the situation. My reaction makes a big difference. It’s like my second brain that’s been put in there. Some children are pushing that button to see the reaction. Don’t give that reaction. They think, oh, OK, how can I push Nanny’s buttons today? Oh, you can’t, because Nanny’s buttons don’t work like they used to.
Cathy: You did the Foundation A course, which was videos and phone calls, and now you’ve gone on to Foundation B, which is more focused coaching, using what’s happening in the everyday. And I think you said, “I wish I had a few more incidents.”
Michelle: I know, that’s what I keep saying. I wish I had a few more incidents. You probably read it thinking, oh, it’s boring, there’s no angry moments. But I can’t invent them, because they’re not happening.
“Now I want more”: advice for others
Cathy: It’s a great credit to you, Michelle, because you’ve really committed to the journey. So what would you say to encourage others who might be thinking about doing I Matter?
Michelle: At first I just didn’t think my mind was capable. But you get through a couple of videos, and you start feeding off it. It’s like you’re drinking a drink that you really like, and you think, oh, now I want more. But make sure you’re in the right frame of mind. Once you’re in that frame of mind, you just keep wanting to go and go. I’ve sat there in bed from 10 o’clock at night, looked at the clock, and it’s 2 o’clock in the morning.
I would recommend it to any parent, not just if you’ve got a complex child. It’s all about the way you’re feeling and how you react, and the way you react has the biggest impact on where it goes next, whether it goes green or red. Nothing will ever be perfect. But I wish I’d had that training a long, long time ago, maybe before I even took the children on. It’s a treasure, and any parent should do it. There may be a lot of children who might not even end up with the care system or social services involved in their lives.
“We can only make a better future”
Michelle: My friends go, “You’re so chilled out.” Two or three years ago, I’d be going to bed crying. I lost a lot of friends for having the children, because their kids have grown up, and they don’t want to come out with a bunch of kids to the park. I was crying every night, going, how am I going to do this? Lots of parents said to me, “I couldn’t do it.” And I said, if you don’t do it, who’s going to do it? I put my life on hold, but I don’t care, because at the end of the day, the children…
Cathy: You’re really seeing some beautiful things happening.
Michelle: Oh, yeah. I just want them to grow up and live the happiest life. What happened in their past did happen, and it was wrong to have happened, but to learn what’s acceptable and what’s not, and be able to overcome it and manage it, and not have it a burden in their brain for the rest of their life. We can’t change the past, but we can only make a better future.
Cathy: Well, that’s a beautiful note to finish on, Michelle. Thank you so much for sharing.
If Michelle’s story rings true for you, find out more on our What is relationship health? page, or start with one of our free introductions.
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