Jenny has three children - two with additional needs. When she joined her first I Matter sessions with support from her primary school she was in a state of significant overwhelm and despair.
PLEASE NOTE: NO REAL NAMES ARE USED
From despair to giggles: a parent’s experience of I Matter
In 2019 I spoke with Jenny (not her real name), a parent of three whose two younger children have additional needs. The family had relocated from another city, and Jenny joined her first I Matter sessions in the school garden with a group of parents, supported by her children’s primary school. Here she talks about how life at home moved from stress and despair to far more laughter and teamwork.
This interview is from 2019, when I ran group sessions locally. I’m not offering those at the moment, but the online learning Jenny used is open to anyone.
Please note: no real names are used.
Before I Matter: stress and despair
Cathy: Okay, so I’m sitting here with Jenny, not her real name, and she’s just going to tell me a little bit about her journey with the I Matter project. So, Jenny, would you like to start off by telling me a little bit about yourself and your role?
Jenny: Hi, my name is Jenny, and I’m a parent of three children. One is working full-time just now, having finished college, and I’ve got two younger children. I’m their main carer, and it can be quite challenging.
Cathy: And your younger ones are in primary school?
Jenny: They are. They’re in Year 2 at the moment.
Cathy: And I got to know you when they were in reception. Sorry…
Jenny: Nursery.
Cathy: Nursery. Wow, they were in nursery, that’s right. So why don’t you say a little bit about that time, when you first came across the I Matter project?
Jenny: Well, to be honest, I’d never heard of the I Matter project before. My daughter especially is very challenging, but she has some difficulties with everyday things. We’d relocated from another city, and we were definitely in the fog, to say the least. To say the least. It was a real pea-souper. There was a lot of stress, a lot of shouting, a lot of misbehaving children.
Cathy: She’d had a lot of challenges in her early years. So she really had a complicated start.
Jenny: Yes, very complicated.
Cathy: And so life at home at that time?
Jenny: Horrendous. That’s all I can say: horrendous. Really terrible.
Cathy: And I remember the first time we met, you were in quite a state of despair, weren’t you? It could never, ever get better.
Jenny: Absolutely. I thought, this is how it’s going to be forever. Nothing’s ever going to improve. All I could see was a life full of stress for the children and myself, and not knowing what to do.
Cathy: What had you tried?
Jenny: Well, obviously, we’d tried the hard discipline, which, you know now, just doesn’t work at all.
“It’s been a complete and utter lifeline to us as a family.”
Jenny
First training in the school garden
Cathy: So, what do you recall about your first experiences of the training?
Jenny: In the garden at school, the simple fact about stress management and recognising signs of stress was something that I’d never really thought about. But when we sat down and brainstormed all those things, you just realise that it’s not only yourself that’s in that state, but your children are in that state as well. It’s just that realisation.
Cathy: And we sat, didn’t we… it was a memorable occasion. We sat in the garden, a group of parents in the school garden. The school had supported making it possible. And we sat with a big piece of paper.
Jenny: We did. We did. And brainstormed.
Cathy: And brainstormed symptoms of stress.
Jenny: It was fabulous. Looking back on it now, it was a pivotal moment.
Cathy: And I recall the teacher went off and did a stressy popcorn activity with the children.
Jenny: They still talk about stressy popcorn, whenever the kids recognise that they are stressed. They do say, “I’m a bit stressy popcorn.” They still use that phrase.
Cathy: It’s such a lovely image, isn’t it?
Jenny: It is. It is. Pressure building and… boom.
Cathy: Yes. I remember it very well.
Learning to read her stress signals
Cathy: So, as you’ve gone through the training, tell us a little bit: what happened then for you?
Jenny: Well, first of all, I could sit and observe my daughter and realise when she was stressed out or anxious about something, just by the way she was behaving. She would go and draw on walls and things whenever she was completely stressed out. And that was like a red light that I had to do something to help her with her feelings.
Cathy: So previously, you might have seen that as just something that was just…
Jenny: I would have seen it as something really, really naughty, and I would have shouted at her for it. But it’s really a cry for help: she wanted help, but she didn’t know how to verbalise it, to ask for it, or she didn’t understand.
Cathy: So you started watching differently, and interpreting it differently.
Jenny: Yes. Yes, I did.
Cathy: And you did the course Watching Affectionately, didn’t you?
Jenny: I did. I did. And there were so many things that I actually hadn’t seen before that I felt guilty that I hadn’t seen all the positive things, instead of just focusing on the negative. She has a beautiful singing voice, and she just wanders around the house singing. But at that stage, it was like, “Can you please just be quiet?” But now you can sit and listen to her, making up her little songs and singing away to herself, and she’s happy.
Cathy: And the two children were not managing their relationship together either, were they?
Jenny: No, they weren’t. They weren’t. They were fraught in all directions. Big changes all around whenever we moved, so it was a lot for everyone to cope with.
Red route, green route and self-care
Cathy: We did a lot of the posters in I Matter. Were there any other key posters that stood out for you as light bulbs?
Jenny: Well, the red route and the green route [Jenny explains these below] was a big one for me, but also recognising that self-care is not something that is selfish; that you have to take care of yourself and make sure you’re eating properly and getting enough sleep to be able to cope with the challenges that come daily. And that has helped immensely. I think that’s probably the key thing, really. I wasn’t taking care of myself.
Cathy: You were probably in that feeling of, “I just need to get this sorted first, and then I can do that.”
Jenny: Yes, I was.
Cathy: Which is a very common trap, really, that caring people can fall into.
Jenny: Yes, it is.
Cathy: To get this sorted first of all, and then…
Partner joins the training
Jenny: Yeah. And my partner actually hadn’t done it at the start. Having him on board and redoing it again, with both of us doing it, really made so much difference. And now we work together so much more, and we support each other, and he has his time for himself, and I have my time. I can just go out for a walk, and he’ll take care of the kids and dinner and whatever. It’s fabulous.
Cathy: I really saw that shift happening, which is exciting: that you both did your individual I Matter journey, and then you started working as a team.
Jenny: I think it was so important. It was good that I did it first, but trying to communicate it to him in a way that he would get it… I knew he agreed with me, but he didn’t properly get it until he did it himself. And then it was just… wow.
Cathy: And you said red route and green route. What does that mean to you exactly?
Jenny: Well, red route, obviously, is going down the angry path and lots of shouting. We have been on that route. I’m not going to deny it. We have been on that route, but very quickly turned it around.
Cathy: You mean more recently? It’s not like it goes away completely.
Jenny: No, it doesn’t go away completely, but it’s the way you handle certain situations. You could be a bit snappy with them, but I always will apologise and say, “I’m sorry I was a little bit snappy there.”
Cathy: I teach I Matter and I’m the same. Even when you know these ideas, it’s not always straightforward.
Jenny: No, it’s not. But I think it’s recognising that you’re on that route, and to turn it around. I think that’s the biggest challenge. But we’ve mastered it. I think we’ve mastered it.
Cathy: So it’s seeing that that’s what’s happening.
Jenny: Yes, absolutely. Well, whenever I’m a bit snappy, the kids just say, “Mum, you’ve not had enough coffee.”
Children pick up the language
Cathy: I remember you telling me that quite soon after the session in the garden, your little one had started to say to you, “Mummy, I think you’re getting a bit stressy.”
Jenny: Yes. Yes.
Cathy: Which was really interesting.
Jenny: They still do.
Cathy: She was only five at the time. But just having that language helped everybody get a bit of a distance.
Jenny: They both still have that language. If I say, “I’m a bit wound up at the moment. Mum just needs five minutes’ peace, just to have a cup of tea. Can you go and find a book to read, or go outside and play for five minutes?”, they will recognise that and they will respect that.
Life now: laughter and play
Cathy: So say a little bit more about what life’s like now, then.
Jenny: I’m not going to say it’s perfect, because it’s not, but it’s so much more relaxed. There’s a lot more laughing at home. There’s a lot more fun. There’s a lot more working together and helping each other. It’s just so much more relaxed.
Cathy: I very distinctly remember that you felt the children would never, ever be able to play together. And then there was that moment, and you were like…
Jenny: “No, Cathy. Yes. They’re actually playing together.”
Cathy: Yes, they are. Really, as you made these shifts, it created the space for it to happen, didn’t it? You slowed things down.
Jenny: Well, I’ll give you an example. Last night… in our living room, we’ve got a sofa on one side of the room and a sofa on the other side of the room, completely opposite, and they were lying on the floor in opposite directions. They said something really, really silly, and then they used their feet to push each other off and slid across the floor, and they were just in fits of giggles, both of them. It was just so, so funny, and it was just amazing to hear them laughing and having fun at something really silly.
Cathy: Really silly. Which would not have been possible, would it?
Jenny: No. It would have all ended up in tears.
Cathy: Yes. So wonderful.
Empathy for other parents
Cathy: So, are there any other ways in which I Matter has helped you beyond the family?
Jenny: I think it’s helped me to be a bit more sympathetic to parents, when you see children having tantrums outside, even if you’re in a coffee shop or whatever. There’s always going to be a reason behind it, and it’s not just because they’re spoiled. I’m a lot more knowledgeable about children that have tantrums.
Cathy: And because you’re more knowledgeable, you’re more understanding. It can be just very difficult.
Jenny: Yes, yes, because we have been in that place. We really have.
I Matter as a lifeline
Cathy: So, overall, what does I Matter mean to you?
Jenny: I would say it’s been a lifeline, really. I don’t know where we’d be if we hadn’t done it. I’m suspecting we’d be in a pretty rubbish place still, but yeah, it’s been a complete and utter lifeline to us as a family.
Cathy: Well, it’s been wonderful working with you.
Jenny: Yes, it’s been fab.
Cathy: You’ve been willing to put in the work. I think that’s what I observe. You’ve been willing to put the work in, and wrestle with the challenges, and stick with it when it’s tough, and do that teamwork, and do that noticing you’re off track and needing to get back on again. I always say to people, I Matter’s not a quick fix. It doesn’t resolve all the issues, but it gives you something very solid.
Jenny: It makes you able to cope with the challenges that come up a lot better. A better coping mechanism.
Cathy: And it’s often quite interesting, isn’t it?
Jenny: It’s very, very interesting.
Encouragement: just do it
Cathy: So what would you like to say to encourage others who might be thinking about doing some I Matter training?
Jenny: Just do it. Do it. Because you don’t have to have a child that has complex needs to be able to do it. Two of my children do have complex needs, but one doesn’t, and it’s actually helped him just as much as it’s helped the others. It really has. It’s fabulous.
Cathy: Well, thank you very much, Jenny. Brilliant. Wonderful.
If Jenny’s experience rings true for you, find out more on our What is relationship health? page, or start with one of our free introductions.
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