It's 5.45pm. You're deeply tired after a run of difficult conversations with staff, parents and young people.
Everyone says this is just how it is in education and health are now. But deep down you know something is off.
Here's what most people miss. It isn't that your staff lack skills, that parents won't parent, or that young people are fundamentally different.
It's that everyone is working from a different map.
A meeting you might recognise
The 3.30 early help meeting about Jake. Mum arrives braced for criticism. His form tutor arrives with a list of incidents. The SENCo is trying to keep the peace, The health practitioner gave apologies, Within ten minutes, Mum feels judged, the tutor feels unsupported, and everyone leaves with a plan nobody quite believes in.
The waiting lists feel too long, the help that is offered feels too short, so there is just a revolving door.
No one in that room did anything wrong. They all care about Jake. But each person saw a different picture: Mum saw a child who is struggling, the tutor saw behaviour that disrupts thirty others, and the SENCo saw several relationships slowly breaking down.
What a shared relationship health and I Matter informed map can change
A shared map based on an understanding of relationship health and the I Matter Framework helps build a common way of understanding what's happening between people. It builds insights in professionals and in parents as it covers how relationships build or break down, what stress does to adults as well as children, and where to start when things are stuck.
When everyone has an opportunity to work from he same map, the question changes from "whose fault is this?" to "where are we, and what do we need next?"
The same meeting, with the shared map
This time, the SENCo can build on inhouse solutions. She opens by naming what everyone can see: Jake is struggling, and so are the adults around him - both at home and in school.. Mum doesn't need to defend herself. The tutor's frustration is heard, not dismissed. Together they explore some specific issues that can help reduce demands and build skills for both the adults and for Jake and then they agree together on one small, realistic step, and a time to check in.
It's the same people, the same pressures and the same child. It's a very different conversation.
One thing you can try tomorrow
Before your next difficult conversation, ask yourself:
What tools do we have to help get people on the same page?
What if we focussed not on individual problems of Jake but on the relationships between the various different parties
"What might this look like from the perspective of where each person is standing?"
Then say it out loud early in the meeting. It's a small step, but it often turns a defensive group into a working one.
It helps at home too
One GP who took the training said:
"I thought I was doing this course for professional reasons, but my relationship with my own child has deepened so much as a result of what I have been learning through I Matter training."
That's the thing about a shared map. What helps at work helps at home.
A different kind of tired
So, picture this. You reach the end of the day and, for the first time in months, you feel a different kind of tired. Not the crushing exhaustion of discouragement, but the tired that comes from a challenging day that went well.
That's what I help school teams and families find.
👉 And your first step can be a free introduction
👉 Or to try the Quick Relationship Health Check
Dr Cathy Betoin, clinical psychologist, former teacher and parent
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